Some days I feel alive…
I was listening to some music the other night in the barn and I felt so engaged and moved by what I was hearing. It was so good to be focused and endulging my senses in such a way, and I know it is a privilege to allow myself the time to do this. All things have a price and I suppose I have been reprioritizing how I spend my time for several years now. I often find myself thinking about a prized quote from an old friend who once said about another acquaintance “I think his give-a-shitter is broke.” And I find myself wondering is my “give-a-shitter” broke?
I don’t think so, but who knows?
What I do know is there are moments when I feel more a live than I have in years. I am not saying that I haven’t been engaged and productive in the past few decades, oh quite the contrary, I think I was so consumed with what I was doing both in intensity and in quantity that I really wasn’t absorbing much inspiration at all. I was in a high altitude, high performance situation and was constantly moving, but without any significant feeling of personal growth.
It has taken several years to re-adjust and I find moments when I feel more alive than I have felt in years. And what is really interesting, is often these moments are in the confines of the barn or at home, not in some spectacular natural setting, but rather just being where I am.
Time and age being what it is, I will say that my physical awareness might be classified as pain, ie body aches, stiffness what have you, but I can embrace that. And yes I have to acknowledge that this is a laugh out loud kind of statement, but I suppose being aware of aches and pains are better than being oblivious to my place in the world around me
There is another thing that happens as well. As I find comfort in this new awareness, I am noticing that during my performances I am finding my way to a different zone, a place where I am not escaping or hiding in the music, but rather finding a special place in the moment. It is hard to explain and maybe hard to understand, but somehow it just seems right.
Now if I can just get motivated to use the string trimmer.