I am thankful for my big toe. It sort of talks to me.
It doesn't really say much, but it still conveys an important and powerful message. It has a big black nail as a significant reminder of the crash which was five months ago. My toe reminds me of where I was and how I have recovered, and to be patient.
I have smashed a toe before, even broken one a couple times. I recall this is a painful experience, but I have absolutely no recollection of the pain that must have accompanied this injury. So what has happened in five months and why wouldn't I remember a sore toe?
Well, first lets get grounded in a little reality.
Just as a recap, in addition to a bruised toe, I also had a fracture on my right ankle that was relatively insignificant in the whole scheme of things. I had a half a dozen broken ribs and both lungs were collapsed. I was on a ventilator for a few days. I had four fractures in my pelvis, a broken sternum, clavicle, and collarbone. I also had a small brain bleed.
So my big toe must have been drowned out in the chorus of pain, and the brain bleed was not significant at the time of the accident. Of course two months later, the hematoma wasn't absorbed, it shifted and required a craniotomy. (I might have aggravated that by trying to start a wood splitter. Oops!)
The broken bones were all a collective agony especially the first couple of weeks in the hospital, first at the UH Level 1 Trauma Center, then a step down, and then a transfer to the Cleveland Clinic rehab facility. I spent nearly a month in the hospital. .
I do have reasonably good core strength and when I was fortunate enough to get a nurse or aid that I could reason with, I could often plank my body up high enough to change sheets and that sort if thing. About two weeks into my stay, I had a couple of folks come in to check for bed sores and insisted that I roll over. Thus resulted in a massive wave of pain from all my broken bones. And in the rehab facility, they insisted that I go to group therapy sessions, which required a lot of sitting in chairs. This resulted in a tremendous about of shoulder pain, and I am convinced it was the break in my collarbone separating. My last two ex-rays show that that break is finally stitching up, but its way out of alignment. I attribute this to sitting upright too long.
And that, for the most part, was all of the pain I experienced from my broken bones, which appears to be behind me. Now, let me tell about the real pain.
I have screwed myself up several times over the years, broke bones, partially torn tendons, had surgeries, a chainsaw accident, but I have never experienced the exquisite pain like that generated by this brachial plexus injury.
First off, it has varied wildly in feeling and intensity. Sometimes it could feel like a mass of needles being driven into my hand and fingers, or a spot of tingling pain that kept building until it evolved to a blinding ball of pain that would move through my arm and into my body. Occasionally, for a while I would have shooting pain that felt like it was beyond my fingers. Yep, outside of my body!
I am happy to say a great deal of that has subsided, and I am not experiencing waves of pain that literally made me fearful of falling. What I am now dealing is a low to mid grade constant pain that, for the most part, I can function with as I focus on continuing to regaining nerve function, joint movement and rebuild muscle.
I experienced a severe poly trauma and the nerve recovery is the slowest of all. Consequently this is a three way race with the recovery of nerve function, which is sophisticated and slow, over coming muscle loss, and after five months of inactivity, this is astounding. (I look at the base of my thumb and forearm and can see it), and then the issue of joint freeze. My left hand was as stiff as a plank, and my arm was virtually glued to my side when I left the hospital. Consequently, I have to free up my shoulder, fingers, thumb and hand. This hurts.
The physical and occupational therapist are focused on mobility and regaining strength. My job is to go through all of my exercises. The shoulder stuff hurts the most. Big muscles, big frozen and complicated joint, and big pain busting it loose.
The hand is another issue entirely. Its hard to move finger joints when there is no nerve command telling them to flex. So this requires manual manipulation. While am doing my hand routines I have to mindfully pay attention to the nerve function. I am literally relearning how to move my fingers! This is wild. The results are so subtle, but there is measurable progress!
I am doing it!
So the big black bruise under my toenail is still there and it reminds me to be patient. If the recovery of smashed toe takes months, why the hell would I expect something as complicated as significant nerve trauma to be faster?
I can walk, and I am slowly getting to take reasonable rambles. I can talk and see, and I have read more books in the past few months than I have in years. I can feel, hear and I have listened to a lot of music. After four months, I am off of narcotic pain medicine, so I can drive. My appetite and stomach chemistry are getting back to normal and, I am slowly getting finger movement.
Anyway you look at the course of events, it’s remarkable I am even typing this. I thought about offering grace at our Thanksgiving meal but I knew I would be overwhelmed with emotion. So many family, friends, medical professionals, musicians and my community have done so much. I am, and will be forever grateful.
My oldest daughter provided a simple and comprehensive offering before our meal.
My toe reminds me of where I was and how I have recovered, and to be patient.
What a great message.